这是我想对你说的话

这次我已经把我所有的心放进去了，连爱自己的那一点都没有留下来，已经把我所有的心给了她。就是因为这样，才会把自己伤成这样子的。我很清楚我是真的爱你，只不过，你的心里却只有你的前男友。我知道我的心很酸，很想尽力帮你忘了他，不过，不管我做了任何事情都好，还是帮不了你，帮不到你放下他。你口中告诉我，你真的不会在挽回他了，因为你不想次伤害到他。不过，你有没有想过，你是不想要伤害到他，那你有没有伤害到我呢？你给与了我许多不同的经验，许多我从来没有在我前女朋友发生过的事情，就可能因为这些过去，你已经把我的心紧紧地锁了起来。


爱了你这么久，我却没有一时感到后悔过，因为我一直觉得爱你是值得的，所以才会做出这么多令你感到烦的事情。我会做出这些事情都是因为我要告诉你我有多爱你，要你看到我对你的真心，所以付出再多都好，我都不介意。不过，我所做的这些小事情，已经让你觉得反感了。我有试过控制自己，不过每当想起你的时候，都会很担心你，担心你吃了饭了吗？担心你会很压力吗？担心你会觉得寂寞吗？担心你会着凉吗？担心你会感到闷吗？许多不同的问题会一直在我脑海中一直不停地问我，所以才会做出许多让你反感的事情。


在这两个月内，许多事情都发生过。我承认我真的很高兴，因为我真的有感觉到你给过我的爱。谢谢你。在这段时间里，你给与了我许多的快乐，许多的幸福。我从来都没有试过得到初吻的感觉，就是因为你，我才终于感觉到了。我从来没有真真的用心去拥抱一个我真的爱的人，也就是因为你，我才感觉到了。我从来没有和我爱的人，有过这么亲切的关系，就是因为你，我才能够感觉到了。不过我真的不明白，为什么如果你不能够接受我，还要给与我这么多的希望？为什么要给与我这么多的感觉？给了我之后，却说我们彼此只能够做朋友，因为你说时间还没到，你还不能够成为我的女朋友。为什么？那为什么你要给我这些东西呢？我真的不明白。为什么你要给与我希望？为什么你要给我一个感觉就好像你就是我的女朋友了呢？


我非常明白自己是个怎么样的人，或许其他人不明白，不过我知道，我的妒嫉心很强，是因为你还不是我的女朋友，因为我不能很肯定地说你就是我的女朋友。可能你会觉得我很烦，这是因为我害怕会失去你，所以才做了这么多不应该做的事情。当你终于成为了我的女友后，你已经有了一个在我心里的地位，那时候我已经不用再害怕任何事情，不用担心任何事情了，因为你已经属于我了。我就是这样的人。


现在我已经没有选择的权利了，因为我已经不能够再为你做任何的事情了。害怕你会有一天真的不理会我，害怕你会有一天真的一直在躲避我，所以我再也不敢做任何事情了。我会试着明白你的心情，试着控制自己，我答应你，我真的会的。可能现在我真的没有这个机会成为你的男朋友，所以希望无论任何事情发生都好，我只想成为那个你会第一时间想起会找的人，那就足够了。等到真的有一天我能够成为你的男朋友的时候，才从新的追过你。谢谢你给我的一切，那已经成为了我生命里无法忘记的回忆了。

     It hurts again. My heart, it aches again. I'm a loser in relationship, i do not know how to manage a relationship, and yes i do admit that. I wish to be coupled, but couple doesn't wish to get close to me. I choose to wait upon a relationship that takes much hurts in the process, but i couldn't handle the pain that i have to bear with. I gave my heart to the girl, but the girl isn't prepared for another relationship. I though i have the chance to be with her, with all those things that happened in the few weeks, but it just seems like it's something normal that had past, a memory that bears in my mind. My first time, my first kiss, all these things had been given by her. But all these things that are given to me, i doesn't understand why is it given to me either. Nothing explains why all these stuffs happened to me, maybe, it's just maybe that she does likes me or even loves me, but her heart tells her that she's not ready for another relationship. I understand, cause she just broke up about 2 months ago. If she couple now, people might have different kind of bad impression on her already. That's why she choose not to couple, and i understand. But when every time i said i understand her situation, pain starts growing in my heart. It goes through my brain, and it makes me gone depressed the whole day, or even a few days. I understand the things she's facing, but as for me, i just couldn't bear with the pain that gives. I'm a weak guy i admit, cause as for other guys, they might just be patience to wait upon the girl the love or they might just as well let go and find another target to love. But i'm not. I know i'll always wait, but during the process, i know that bottles of tears are collected. I'm a weak dude, i might look strong in everything i do, but as for my love life, i'm a big loser to it, i admit. I just wish that now, i could just bear with the things that are happening. Believing that she's not the one that would hurt me, and have faith in her that one day she'll give me a chance, to allow me to prove to her how much i really do love her. May God bless me in the process of waiting, and stand with me all the times of struggling.

It Doesn't Matter But It Does Matters Too

It doesn't matter,

if you doesn't feel like talking to me.

Maybe you're just tired,

and rest is all you need.

It doesn't matter,

if you doesn't reply my messages.

Maybe your phone hasn't got anymore credit,

and patience is all i needed.

It doesn't matter,

if you doesn't feel like seeing me.

Maybe you just need time of your own,

and time is all you needed.

It doesn't matter,

if you doesn't let me know how are you doing.

Maybe i made you felt annoyed,

and distance is all we ever needed.

BUT

It does matters,

if you shut your mouth towards me.

You might not realized,

but it hurts when you do so.

It does matters,

if you switched off your phone.

Ignoring the messages i sent you,

it hurts when you do so.

It does matters,

if you run away from me.

Pulling away the distance between us further,

it hurts when you do so.

It does matters,

if you don't allow me to care for you.

My heart aches every single second of it,

and it hurts when you do so.

All i ever wanted,

is to hold onto your hands,

to walked through every second of my life with you.

All i ever wanted,

is to hug you tight,

to keep you warm in between of my arms.

All i ever wanted,

is to love you with all i have,

and never ever letting you go.

Because there is no one else except than you,

that could make me fall in love,

no one else, but You Can.

     Tsunami happened again. This time, they said that it might hit my hometown, which is Sabah. I'm afraid that it'll really happen, i don't wanna see my family members being in danger, i just wish that God would take control in everything. Hope that this tsunami in Japan will end soon, hope that the peoples there can find a safe place to live in, foods to eat, clean water to drink and their love ones back to company them on their life.

     I don't know exactly how do i feel right now, and it's cold outside i can tell. I felt like i was total freezed by the weather just now after dinner cause the wind that blows tonight, it's totally cold. Gosh i couldn't stand cold weather. I just hope that everybody out there would take care of themselves, try to put on more clothes, so that we wouldn't catch cold and let our love ones to get worried about you.

     Other than that, other than all these things mentioned above, i know in my heart i'm missing her a lot right now. Now i know that i'm just worried about her, is she cold staying outside now? How's her ulcer going? Recovering or getting serious? Is she having headache or feeling dizzy? How is her in her friend's house? Doing well? Getting used to it already? Can she sleep well later without her bed? Did she drink more water..? All sorts of questions pops into my mind, and it's all about her. And what i felt right now is that, seriously, times without her, i felt more lonely, even though i have friends around me, but i felt a feeling of quietness around me, felt like many people had left just because she's not around.

Love Is Patient

     I've got a question, is it when a guy and a girl gets together for most of their time, that makes the both of them a couple?Answer it if you have an opinion.

     What does love actually means?

Giving your all to the person you love?

Giving your time and gold to the person you love?

Giving comfort to the one you love when they're sad?

Giving them the things that makes them happy?

Much more, and none of these answers are wrong, cause all of them is a part of what love means. But what does love means in God's view?It's time for me to re-understand the true meaning of love.

1st Corinthians 13:4-7

     Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstances. 

     We as humans, we think that love means by giving everything you have to the one you wanna show love to. Giving them your time, your gold, your concern and even your body to the one you love. Yes that's correct, but did we ever think about giving them what is the thing that they really want?What is the thing that their parents might expect from the relationship you are having with your love one?Did you ever stand in the side of the person you love and think about how they feel when you do so much stuffs for them?The answers are vary, maybe they felt loved by you?Or some might felt irritated by you?Some might just felt nothing cause they have no interest in you. So think before we act, that's still the best way to do.

     There are many kind of love that are showed by the world nowadays. Let's talk about the media, in every movie we see these days, 99.9% that there is a scene that includes sex in it, agree?And by these movies, it had influenced many peoples that love means sex to them, and without sex, they don't felt loved by their partner.

     Other than that, in another point of view, love means that you are actually showing care to the ones around you. God ought us to love our neighbors as ourselves, but we as humans, did we show love to our neighbors?Our neighbors doesn't means the one that lives with you only, but it also includes the one sitting on the streets, the beggars you passed by, the people you hate. Did human ever showed love to them? Most of us might just walk passed them, closing our eyes or ignoring the presence of these peoples. Aren't these peoples humans also? But why are we ignoring them? Couldn't we show them some love by just giving the beggars a dollar? By doing so, you might now know what are they gonna do with that dollar, they might just take that dollar and buy a cigratte or some cheap wine they can get. But what you had did is that you showed them what love means.

     Love also include patience. Many of us might had experienced this. We promised the one we love that we will wait until that day when he or she finally says yes to your request of asking them to be either your boy friend or your girl friend. But i believe not many of us had succeed in the process of waiting. Because i understand the process of waiting someone, and i understand the pain took place in it. We said that we'll wait, but when the process goes on, we will feel both happy and sad, but most of the time, we'll face the side of being depressed more than being happy. Why did i said this? I believe whoever that had experienced this process understands what am i trying to say. We wait, because we love someone. We wait, because we wanna prove to the one we love how much we really do care for him or her. We wait, because all we had ever wanted is that the one we love will understand the love that we are trying to show to them, and hoping for a result that we want, not a result that would hurt us even more. This is why i said, love includes patience. In the process of waiting, we needs lots of patience in order to sustain and to stay strong while waiting. Cause the process of waiting hurts a lot, if we had no patience, we'll just give up easily, and hurting ourselves as a result.

     Just a word of advise from me. If you love someone, trying loving yourself first. There's a phrase i read before and it says, Give the one you love 80% of your heart while the other 20%, keep it and show some love to yourself. I believe most of us didn't think of this before, and i am one of them. Cause i admit, when i say i'm in love with someone, i gave her all my heart, until in everything i do, i think about her first rather than thinking about me first. But when we know our result, if it's something we wished for, congrats. But what if it's the other way round? Hurts? Pain? Depression? No hope? What else? State them yourselves. This is me, i never had the chance to show some love to myself before showing them to the girl i really wanna chase. I had always give all my heart to the girl i love and never left a tiny bit for myself, and when it fails, it hurts. I couldn't describe it with any words, cause i couldn't think of a word to be used to describe that pain that i felt when i know the result. But what to do? There's nothing else that we could do, and there's nothing that we can do to recover it. All we can do is that we allow time to settle things up, let time be the medicine of the pain that we're facing. Cause when time passed, we'll feel better slowly. So i just wanna share this, and to tell my friends out there, love yourself before you wanna love someone, cause if you don't love yourself, you are not eligible to love others.

It Hurts, But It Still Worth It For Me

     From the very first time i've decided this, i've understand the consequences. Cause i understand myself, my attitude in my love life, and it's always the same. I know that when i'm into a girl, i'll surely give her all my heart, and the consequences for that, if it succeed - Good, happy coupled life; but what if it fails? - depression, hurts way deep down into my heart. That's the consequences that i've always bear with, and most of the times are failure.

     I understands that i couldn't force her to like or love me. And i also know that, in her heart, there's still him inside. This is because in whatever she do, she thinks about him first, not about herself. She still has a heart for him and that's obvious but the thing is, why do i still step into the feeling of liking her so deep? Sometimes i just couldn't understand. But what i know is that, Yes i admit, i really do love her, and Yes, i wanna be the one she love too. That's why i had been always trying hard, to take over that place of the one in her heart. That's the only thing that i wish for, and the only wish that i could have ever made.

     And i know clearly everything that i'm doing. I know that i'm still gonna continue chasing her, continue being by her side, continue to share stories to her, continue to listen to her stories, continue to comfort her when she's sad, continue to wait till she sleeps every night before i sleep, continue to help her to revise, continue to become the angel that she mentioned, the one that stays by her side always. It's not what she wants, but what i'm willing to do for her.

     She told me that actually she has a little feeling towards me, at first i thought that phrase was just to comfort me, but when i stares into her eyes, i realized that she's not joking about it. In the very moment, i do felt comforted. And this gives me another reason why i shouldn't stop to chase her and to love her. I admit yesterday i've been thinking of letting go, but my heart doesn't allow me to. But after that simple phrase of confession to me, i've decided not to give up, but try even harder to touched her one day, until she finally say yes to me. Until the day that finally i could tell her how much i love her without knowing that she still loves someone else. Good luck!

It's All Done

     It 4.19am, and i've just reached home. Had a great night today, alright i promise, no stories, just my feelings.
     The first thing i felt great the most today was that, i've finally did it. I felt like all these burdens or what so ever that i'm not daring to do, after doing them, i felt so much lighter. In chinese it means 终于松了一口气. I've finally told her that all these while, i've been searching for chances to tell her that i really really want her to be my girlfriend. And just now after she slept, i've told her everything. I didn't expect for an answer, but what i want was only to pour it all out. And i've done it.
     Second was, i felt loved by her today. Even though she might not like me or love me yet, but i felt loved in her hugs and an unexpected kiss on my cheek just now. It was awesome. Maybe after a long time of being single, maybe i had a feeling that no ones actually love me right now? Maybe that's the reason why did i felt so loved by just a simple hug and the kiss she gave. It might be simple for many peoples out there, but it's not for me.
     Lastly, i just feel super duper awesome now. I felt like i could almost flew up high in the sky right now. And i bet, tonight i'm gonna have a great and awesome rest. Good nights world, thank you Giselle. (*Now that i've told her, i don't think there's a need to hide her name in my blog already =P )